They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
