you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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