I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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