it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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