im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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