the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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