so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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