I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
