We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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