dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
