your like the ambassador to my penis.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
false alarm, still single
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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