i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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