Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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