I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
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