Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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