I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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