You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
