Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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