I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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