can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I am one with the molecules
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
