I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
