Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
