During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
