Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You did what with his pubic hair?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
