just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize