i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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