I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize