he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
