I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Did I show you my penis last night?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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