FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
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