i just sent this text using only my big toe
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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