I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
love makes seman taste better
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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