so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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