Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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