apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
