I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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