she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
