please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
a search helicopter?!
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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