I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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