So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize