my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
