Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
