I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
