I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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