she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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