at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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