i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
