u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
