Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
