Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
