hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
