we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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