Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
