I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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