who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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