Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i used baking grease as lip gloss
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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