What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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