we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
