My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
