I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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