Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
